It's been a while. I wasn't planning an unexpected hiatus but I suppose that's where we are!
Are we coming out of it?
Most likely no, not really. Not for a hot minute.
But allow me to explain in the quickest simplest way I can what's been going on...
I’m pregnant
We moved house
Both have provided me with the biggest creative block I think I’ve gone through so far in my life!
Pregnancy
I wish I could say pregnancy has been a smooth ride. Whilst technically on paper it has been, the fluffy dreams of glowing and generally feeling like mother earth were quickly dampened with 3 months of near-constant nausea with a strong helping of actual puking episodes, severe lethargy, an unstable mood, a short fuse, headaches, severe aversions to most food but potatoes and cheese, and gas/bloat so bad I couldn’t sleep and could only cry in pain.
And that was just the first trimester.
The second has thankfully been much better – but still fraught with issues. My sickness stuck around for half of it, and I was initially relieved. It was quickly replaced with reflux though. Unfortunately, the meds to cure it caused sickness, which I refused to return to, so I accepted I was stuck with acid burning my throat. I felt less tired though and my aversions abated, so I suppose that was something!
By the end of the second trimester, I could feel and see my body changing and it felt so rewarding – mainly because I felt like my suffering was equating to something.
I’m now about to enter the third trimester and I’m so glad it's almost over. I feel so lucky I can carry a child, but my experience has been far away from what I was hoping for. I’ve barely picked up a pencil or brush since I first felt sick, and every evening instead of feeling the urge to draw I feel the urge to sleep after polishing off dinner.
On one hand, I’m very aware I’m growing an entire person, but I still feel frustrated at times. I feel I’m a shell of who I am at times. My husband used to regularly tell me to sit down, to stop working so hard, and to take breaks because I was always doing something. Now all I do is exist to take breaks, to doom scroll reels, to watch mindless TV. I wanted to achieve something in the past 6 months, and I suppose I have. But I wanted to do so much more.
I’m hoping the third trimester will be better – but realistically I don’t think I’ll feel like my normal creative self till I’m no longer pregnant, and by then my time will be absorbed with learning how to look after a baby. The baby part is exciting, but not being creative for at least a year has been a lot to come to terms with.
Moving house
We moved on the spookiest day of the year – Literally Halloween. Luckily I can confirm our new home isn’t haunted, but it certainly wasn’t a problem-free purchase.
I can honestly say now – around 4 months into moving, it's starting to feel like home. We ran into several fun disasters since moving but the last 3 weeks have been mostly uneventful and mostly calm – which is saying something!
So let's cover what happened:
The boiler fiasco
We moved in and quickly discovered the boiler had problems. Sometimes it would work, other times It’d just refuse to turn on.
After a lot of fiddling we got it to work. It then proceeded to leak everywhere and then die again.
After this, I decided I’d rather not have it half working and leaking everywhere in the kitchen. We tried to get a repair booked, but with it being November, most plumbers were swamped. So we eventually forked out the cash and got a new boiler fitted instead, thankfully less than a day before a severe cold snap.
And that was the first month.
Yep - we sat in an icebox of a house for a solid month relying solely on space heaters from our parents, and thankfully our trusty electric fire in the front room kicked out a lot of heat. Miserable doesn’t describe it, especially with me being generally moody as a pregnant lady. The electric bill wasn’t too nice either!
Behold! The new kitchen wench
When we moved into our house, we had no space for a dishwasher. Well, that's a lie, because we did have space for me. I became the new dishwasher and god did it make me miserable. So much of the house needed organising and fixing, and I felt like for a good 2 months all I did was wash dishes. The house got messy. Half our stuff was still in boxes. But I had 1000 dishes from breakfast, another 10000 from lunch and 100000 from dinner to clean. Circling back to the boiler fiasco – for the first month all I had was a small kettle to wash dishes in and an icy room to hold me. After two pregnancy-charged tear-ridden breakdowns, my husband looked into a dishwasher and we got one plumbed in. What a difference heating and clean pots make!
Honestly, the dishwasher is the best device known to man.
Once the heating and dishes were sorted. I felt I had the time to start unpacking our remaining things. It was all slowly coming together, or so we thought...
Who needs electricity?
There was a nasty storm in December. Being on top of a hill near trees we quickly realised we get the brunt of storms and some of the fun unexpected outcomes from them.
We woke up to all our electrical devices flitting between on and off. Lights flickering, the microwave and fireplace screeched, our beloved new boiler turning on and off. Absolute chaos. After ruling out it being the house for a solid half hour in the flickering dark we called the National Grid, who thankfully confirmed that it was a downed tree on a line and not our house.
After the money we’d dropped on a boiler and dishwasher, the relief was palpable. The issue was luckily resolved quickly.
The return of the boiler problems...
The system for the boiler hadn't been running for a long time before we'd moved in. A valve failed on the system and we woke up to our living room flooded last month. Many tears were shed from yours truly, adding to the giant puddle.
One costly emergency repair later, and we had the issue resolved.
The boiler man did find more issues with our system though. The entire thing needs flushing, But after the constant issues and the money the whole thing has already cost us, we’ve had we decided to knock back flushing the entire thing to the summer.
A new sad death
Recently our electric fire finally gave up the ghost. Whilst a bit annoying, it got us through a dark spot in our move when we had no heating, so I find it hard to be too upset with it. It did us well.
I do miss having a fire in the living room though... It feels like something in the room is just… missing.
And that’s not even covering issues we’re anticipating and planning to resolve soon...
The roof needs work, we’re considering getting a drive fitted, we need to start getting the garden in good knick, the oven is too slim and I’ve broken several kitchen utensils recently because of the space between the counters, oh and did I mention I’m pregnant, they’re due in less than 3 months and…
You sort of get the picture here!
Final word
Both the new home and pregnancy have been the perfect mix of chaos and sickness to kill my creative motivation. They’ve both absorbed my life and by the time I think the house will be in working order to consider picking up a brush or pencil, I’ll probably have to learn how to look after a tiny human instead.
So I thought since I’ve had a bit of a lull in the chaos I would (hopefully before something else breaks or I get a new fun pregnancy symptom) write up a bit about where I’ve been and what's been consuming my life over the past few months.
Will I ever paint again? Of course, I will! It's something that truly makes me happy to explore and work on when I’m not consumed by other things. It’s just now really isn’t my ‘season’ I think. Hopefully, soon it will be.
If I do manage to make anything this year, expect sporadic posts and no schedule. For now, what's more important is finding a balance with just… everything, and I don’t want to make myself stressed or sick trying to prioritise art over the house or my baby.
It sucks – but it is what it is! It won't be forever, but I hope some of you enjoy what I can manage to get out during the next few years, even if it's just the odd blog post.
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